I mentioned in my last post that I struggled a lot with fear and worry in my first trimester. I still have moments of anxiety, simply because my baby isn't big enough for me to feel it moving yet, and I'm just hoping and assuming he or she is still growing and developing properly. It is the ultimate lesson in trust! I started writing the following blog back in my first trimester, when I was still overwhelmed with worry, and I've continued to add to it. I thought I'd share it now.
It just hit me that my baby is never "safe". We'll never be out of the "danger zone". Yes, I'm anxiously awaiting hitting 14 weeks so I can be past the miscarriage stage, but I've also known others who have lost their baby past that stage. There's always the chance of a still-birth. And once I have the baby, once I've met him or her, there's never a guarantee that something won't happen and take the baby away.
The day we found out we were pregnant we also found out my cousin had leukemia. It was an odd mix of emotions, being excited about being a mom, and being devastated for my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Being worried about my baby and worried about Trevor, and feeling sorrow for my aunt and uncle and the anguish they were experiencing. It also brought on a very unwelcome, familiar feeling of when we found out about Sara. Noreen and Woody lost their baby when she was twenty-two, and now my aunt and uncle were told their child, their thirteen year-old son, had a very serious disease. The more I thought about it, I realized we're never safe from harm. We're never safe from pain, and even if I have a perfect pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby, there's no guarantee I won't one day lose the baby. We were promised that in this world we would have trouble; this was simply a reminder.
I don't know why, but this realization brought relief. Maybe it was because I finally accepted that I truly have no control over any of it. I still take the best care of my body as possible, and try to do everything "right" with my pregnancy. But there are plenty of women who do everything right, and still their baby doesn't develop or something uncontrollable goes wrong. There's nothing a mother can do. It's frustrating, knowing that I cannot do anything to guarantee my baby's safety or health. There's no pill I can take, no one I can pay off to be sure I get to meet my baby. But at the same time, it takes away the burden of worrying, because worrying certainly won't prevent me from losing this baby. Ultimately, it's God's child anyway. He's the one creating and forming this little one. I'm just the vessel he chose to develop this little bean in. And even when I'm a mom, all my children won't be "mine", they'll belong to God. This baby's life is being prepared by God. He already knows if this baby will live to be 1 year old or 100 years old. He's the one planning it out, and so who am I to try to take control over this child's life?
It seems like good training for when I do become a mother. I'll do everything I can to protect my child from harm, but I can only do so much. Today's shooting in the Connecticut classroom was a harsh reminder that this world is often ugly and evil, and unfair, horrific things happen, things that can't always be prevented or controlled. I'm learning that becoming a parent is a very brave decision, that it takes strength and courage to let go of that control and even be okay with not being able to always protect them. I hope I can keep remembering to surrender control to God and let go of the worry and anxiety that will continue to present itself throughout my life. I'm sure it will be a constant battle for me, but I'm counting on God to give me that strength.